Why Women Need To Stop Saying “I Have to Talk to My Husband First”
Permission or Partnership?
“I need to talk to my husband first”.
As an Empowered Woman and Executive Coach, I cringe a little when I hear this.
Don’t get me wrong.
My husband and I talk about nearly everything — our marriage, parenting, books, film, finances, trips, food, house projects, money investments.
We are partners, after all.
But what happens when we confuse partnership with permission?
Does a partnership require that I gain his approval first?
A partnership in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary is defined as,
“a relationship resembling a legal partnership and usually involving close cooperation between parties having specified and joint rights and responsibilities”
Usually involving close cooperation….hmmm.
Before I work with executive women, I always ask if their partner is supportive of coaching.
The answer is often, a resounding yes.
When it comes to the required investment, the support isn’t so resounding, unless the company picks up the tab, of course.
Fortunately, many employers do foot the bill. But when they don’t?
As soon as I hear, “I need to talk to my husband first”, it’s a 50/50 shot at best that women will sign on.
In some cases, this is simply a stall tactic.
That, or simply there isn’t a coach-connection, and a connection is imperative to the coach-client relationship. We call it rapport.
But, what if it has nothing to do with the “connection” and instead, everything to do with gendered decision making styles?
Women defer to their husbands for decisions that involve money.
A UBS study revealed that “over half of all women defer to their husbands for decisions that involve money management”.
“Our findings reveal that many women let their spouse make long-term financial decisions primarily because they feel he knows more, or they simply do what their mothers did and let men take the lead”.
Consider this New York Times article which states that “men have more financial confidence and women are reluctant to spend on themselves due to the socialized belief that they are frivolous spenders”.
Between this lack of confidence and men continuing to out-earn women, some experts are collectively calling these barriers the investing gap.
So, why does this matter?
It matters because too many women remain suck in cycles of stress and burnout because of the thought of having to talk to their husband about the cost.
The truth is that strong leaders don’t need support or permission before they take action on something that makes sense for them and their family’s future.
As a trained coach, I can quickly ascertain when my clients rely heavily on their husband’s permission to make decisions vs trust their own power.
Are there deeper implications in “talking to your husband first?”
Sometimes, yes.
I worry about women unwittingly playing out the roles socially and culturally assigned to them.
I worry about reinforcing the stereotype that men are the ultimate decision makers, the head of the household, and we — women — are still cast in supporting roles.
I worry about the message we are sending to our young daughters.
Roe v. Wade was a landmark decision made by white men in Congress. It doesn’t matter which side of the debate you are on, the decision was not ours.
I worry about women who are not in full command of their voice. Now, more than ever before.
Are you asking your husband for “permission” under the guise of “partnership?”
Or, are you living out a gendered pattern that many of us have fallen prey to, including myself.
I believe there is a difference. And I believe the words we use offer a clue.
Case in point. I once had a client who was severely burnt out at work. We will call her “Sarah”.
Sarah had the dream of running her own personal stylist company. She was already earning a high income as a successful executive, but she secretly hated it. What she really wanted was to run her own business and was often encouraged to by satisfied clients. Sarah knew that if she were to go all in and embrace becoming an entrepreneur, it would require an investment in time and money for marketing, coaching, and business planning. The initial investment for an 8-week business coaching program was $6k.
With newfound courage, clarity, and conviction, Sarah was ready. She was LIT UP and ready to turn her side gig into a thriving business. I referred her to an excellent Business Coach who I personally knew would take her to the next level of her business growth.
There was just one thing.
She had to talk to her husband about it first.
So, she did.
After “talking to her husband”, her enthusiasm waned. Her conviction faltered. He didn’t flat out dismiss the idea, but he didn’t share her joy either. In fact, his body language told her in no uncertain times that “6k” was a lot of money, especially when she already had a successful job, and they had childcare expenses to account for.
Sarah was discouraged, but relented to her husband’s logic. After all, he managed the finances.
Sarah, unbeknownst even to herself, was asking her husband for permission.
Compare this to Linda.
Linda was also experiencing high stress at work. She wasn’t burnt out, but she wasn’t working in her zone of genius either. As an SVP for a financial services firm, Linda was a big hitter in the executive space but was growing increasingly frustrated at the ongoing politics and bureaucracy. Not to mention her teenage daughter was struggling academically.
After a few months of successfully working together, Linda came to the conclusion that what she really wanted was to resign. She didn’t have another job lined up, but as a very accomplished executive, she felt confident she would land on her feet. Linda wasn’t miserable, but she wasn’t happy either. Linda had many different interests but didn’t feel like she had the capacity to nurture any of them in between her demanding career and her daughter’s difficulties.
Linda said to me, “I would like to talk to my husband”.
So, she did.
And she resigned.
Her husband didn’t love the idea either, as their income would be significantly reduced. But, Linda loved the idea, and requested his support. She reassured him that they had savings lined up and was willing to forego other expenses for the opportunity to be home with their daughter and continue coaching with me.
Her husband still didn’t like the idea, but he trusted her.
Notice the difference in these two scenarios.
Sarah “had to” talk to her husband “first”.
Linda “would like to” talk to her husband.
Permission (have to, first) vs Partnership (would like to, request).
Can you feel the energetic difference between the two scenarios? Sarah’s choice of words implied that she can’t make the decision unless her husband is fully supportive, first.
In Linda’s case, she already made the decision. Her words implied that she would like her husband’s support, but didn’t need it to make the decision that was best for her.
What’s a girl to do?
Most of us who are in long term partnerships want our relationships to survive. Treating eachother as “partners” does require that we make decisions together, but as strong and empowered women, we need to be especially mindful of the following:
- A Faulty Premise — A partnership doesn’t require that you have to talk to your significant other about “everything”. Choose ahead of time with your partner what is “non-negotiable” in your world. For me, it’s personal investment 1000%. I reserve a certain percentage of my income every year towards coaching, masterminds, and seminars.
- Start Noticing Your Words — Instead of saying, “I have to talk to my husband first”. Instead, say “I’m all in, and I would like to talk to my partner about what this means for us”. This sets up an entirely different energy when you have a discussion.
- Just Do It — That’s right. If you are a smart, capable woman who is suffering under the weight of stress and overwhelm, and you see a life preserver in the distance and it’s within your reach? Grab the life preserver. Just Do It. Your partner should be thanking YOU for having the self respect and awareness in how to help yourself.
Just like we train our bosses in how we want to be treated, we also train our loved ones. If we consistently show up as needing “permission” vs requesting “support and partnership”, guess what….
We will perpetuate that which women no longer want…. the ability to decide for ourselves what’s right for US.
