14 Ways We Self Sabotage Our Wellbeing
How to Dig Yourself Out of The Trap
Self-sabotage is a reaction, not a circumstance.
Self-sabotage is when people do (or don’t do) things that block their success or prevent them from accomplishing their goals. It can happen consciously or unconsciously. Self-sabotaging behaviors can affect our personal and professional success, as well as personal relationships.”
Yes, all of that. But also this: self sabotage is how we react to our emotions in response to a circumstance. It’s not happening to you. It’s a choice you make to experience a “better” feeling. In many cases, to avoid discomfort.
There’s a huge payoff in self sabotage.
Here’s an example.
‘ONCE UPON A TIME…” (ha!) I was known as ‘the canceller”. Every time I made plans to meet friends for dinner, go the movies, get together with someone, I would cancel at the last minute. Inevitably, something else came up. Maybe I was tired from a long meeting, or my jeans were tight, or I had a pressing deadline. As the commitment came closer, I would start to experience a visceral dread…
I always found ‘a reason’ why I had to cancel.
The truth is I was a people pleaser. I didn’t feel comfortable saying no to people. I was an “over-committer”. My self sabotage tendency neatly falls into the “over adaptability trap. I was driven by an urge to please others. Therefore, I often said yes on the spot to avoid the discomfort of letting someone down. Saying no, or “I’ll think about it” was mentally uncomfortable. This will not come as a surprise to high achieving women. Our superpowers — being the “go to person” and “reliable” can quickly become liabilities.
The payoff of canceling? The feeling of relief associated with creating more space in my calendar. I didn’t know how to practise wise discernment, and the resulting over-commitment left me with high stress and anxiety. I didn’t have the essential boundary skills needed in today’s increasingly attention-driven economy.
14 Common Ways We Self-Sabotage:
- Procrastinate. We don’t finish what we start or we don’t begin. We get to 10–30% completion and then we postpone or stop altogether.
- Over-drink: we drink beyond what is comfortable in an effort to escape or fit in.
- Overeat: We ignore our body’s health needs. Also used as escape.
- Overspend: We distract ourselves with shiny new objects.
- Over-Netflix: We escape. Avoid. Ignore responsibilities, lose ourselves in other people’s lives.
- Over-Instagram: We compare ourselves to others on social media and engage in doom scrolling.
- Over-perfect: You feel obligated to over-deliver and is often driven by anxiety and imposter syndome.
- Over-commit: We engage in “yes by default”, often without thinking in an effort to please others.
- Over-adapt: We are expert contortionists. We adapt to the needs of others without being mindful of our own.
- Over-analyze: We weigh the pros and cons of every decision, often negating what our intuition tells us.
- Gossip: We highlight other people’s mistakes to make ourselves feel better about our own shortcomings.
- Negativism: we assume things won’t work out.
- Imposter Syndrome: We feel unworthy and undeserving our success. Stems from a pervasive belief that we aren’t good enough.
- What’s Yours?
How Do We Dig Ourselves Out?
First of all, take solace in this: It’s very normal. We are wired for comfort and we can override it. Just like anything else habit-related, it comes down to understanding what’s the payoff.
What’s the belief system behind the behaviour?
It’s usually a thought pattern that makes sense on the outside, but an expert coach can easily unravel the thought pattern if you are willing to experience some discomfort. Understanding the many ways we, often unwittingly, interfere with accomplishing our own goals is the secret to a life and a career free of getting in your own way. Or, what my clients often say is “being your own worst enemy”.
Imagine what would it be like to not interfere with your own goals?
The Process
First of all, take this seriously. Self-Sabotage is not a small problem. I heard Brooke Castillo say once “treat yourself as someone you want to help” and to ask yourself every day, “how can I help you get it done today”. I love that. Imagine if we treated ourself as someone worth helping.
Here are some free resources, steps, tips and tricks to help you:
1. Take this free quiz and find out what your self sabotage specialty is.
2. Reflect: What are you believing about yourself that causes you to Self Sabotage?
3. What is the emotion you are avoiding by Self Sabotage?
4. What is the thought you are having when you are about to Self Sabotage?
5. What’s your counter-attack strategy?
Once we eliminate self-sabotage, we change the speed in which we start to feel good about ourselves. Take Brooke’s advice and treat yourself like someone you are responsible to help.
Want to end self sabotage? Take this free quiz to get started and receive countless free resources that will help you.
